My New Self: A Runner!

December 14, 2008
I couldn’t sleep last night. It felt like the night before Christmas or a trip to Disneyland when I was a little girl, or like the night before my wedding! I’m nervous and excited. I agonized in my packing about what to wear, etc… but ended up making last minute changes today anyway. They are predicting perfect temperatures, but windy.

Starting Line: Meet Todd Hall. Todd works for Apartment Life and Kiley thought we run at a similar pace to each other. Since we ran into each other at the start line, we decide to stick together at least in the beginning.

Miles 1-3: This is crazy! There are 17,000 runners. It’s chaos and I have to pee! I find a port-o-let and amazingly, some fellow Lifer’s! Peel the pants. Sure it’s cold, but I’m swearing in my pants already. I planned on loosing them and so am wearing cheap Capri warm-ups from Ross. There is a funny man singing karaoke at the first water station. I love it! It is windy, but not too bad.

Miles 4-6: Okay, feeling the need to walk, but I don’t want to hold up Todd and he keeps waiting for me, so I press on. The downtown area in Dallas is nice. I like running with new scenery to look at. It’s certainly better than the brown gunk in the bottom of Thunderbird Paseo Park.

Miles 7-10: The neighborhoods are beautiful! The houses look like they are out of a fairy tale book. I love the families cheering from their yards. We had to move over for a fire engine and ambulance. That was disconcerting. I ran past just as they were lifting the guy onto the stretcher. He didn’t look good. I try not to think about what might have caused whatever happened to him. Just keep running up this hill!!! At least the wind it mostly at our back! Also the half marathon course has split from ours so the road is not quite so crowded.

Mile 11-12: Reached the top of the hill and Todd and I decided to give ourselves a walking break. We picked two trees about thirty yards ahead to mark when we would run again. Turn the corner and there’s ESPN. Great, I’m on TV walking mile 12! My knees are starting to ache so I’m not giving up my break just to look good on TV. The lake looks rough. The wind is causing waves with white caps to break against the shore!

Mile 13: I hear a snatch of someone else’s conversation. “I was in a wheel chair for two years. Last March, I got out of my chair and today I’m running, less 10 months later!” That is inspiration right there. There are birds crowding the dead branches of a tree up ahead. It reminds me of the buzzards in Disney’s The Jungle Book. Fast forward fifty yards, and what is that awful smell?! Run fast! Run away from the smell! (Later I would learn that the birds eat fish and therefore poop dead fishy smell.) Yuck!

Mile 14: Another ambulance. It didn’t look serious, but I hope that person is okay. Begin a slight incline. My knees are really starting to hurt. I’m so glad for Todd who is keeping me going. We’ve turned the corner at the top of the lake, meaning the wind is now in our face.

Mile 14.5: I’m going to throw up. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m very nauseous. I had a GU a while back, but it might be time for another. Oh, well press on. I encourage Todd to leave me, but he’s patient and encouraging.

Mile 15: Apt Life cheerleaders! What an encouragement. My knees are really hurting now. They never hurt this bad in a long training run. My stomach is still uneasy, but better. Todd is still being patient with me, but I sense that I’m holding him back.

Mile 16: I have to walk. Maybe I’ve broken something in my knee. Every step brings a sharp stabbing pain that originates in my right knee and radiates through my whole right leg. My left knee aches too, but not nearly as bad. It feels like I need to stretch, but that seems to actually make it worse. Todd asks if I’ll be okay if he takes off. Yes, please don’t worry about it! Thank you for staying with me so far, but go run! I’m not entirely alone on the marathon course and I don’t want to hold him back anymore, but I must walk. I’m worried that I won’t be able to finish.
Mile 17: Praise the Lord in heaven! The aid station had aspirin and it is working on my knee. Pick up the pace again! A little further and I realize that despite chugging a cup of water with the aspirin, my mouth is very dry. I'm not carrying my own water, so I wipe my hand across my forehead and lick the salt off my hand. Kind of gross, but it made my mouth salivate and not be dry! I don't know what made me think to do that, but I will remember that trick.


Mile 18: A steep downhill and then a steep uphill. Reality is probably less steep, but it feels brutal. The wind is high and in my face still. I keep passing a stinky man. I want to pass him for good.

Mile 19: Grueling. Thank God for the Dolly Parton aid station to make me laugh. Men with huge ones! Mostly uphill with very high winds in my face. I want to die. Keep passing the stinky man. Keep praying to take my mind off what I’m actually doing.

Mile 20: Just a 10K left, 6.2 miles. I sprint a stretch to leave the stinky man behind once and for all. Just a little more uphill. I can do this. Don’t stop. Helpful marathon staff ran with me for a block. She was encouraging, but I think she was really evaluating whether or not she should take me off the course. I must look bad. “Yes, I’ve had GU and water. No I’m not dehydrated at all. Yes, I strength trained in addition to running.”

Mile 21: One more down. All of a sudden I realize that my hips are not hurting. All that strength training and those lunges at the gym are paying off. My hips are what hurt most in my 20 mile training runs. I come up on a band that is playing “Hush little baby, don’t way a word…” but with different words! What the heck? Lullabies, really people. That is the last thing I need.

Mile 22: Oops, I yelled at someone’s grandparents. I didn’t mean for them to hear me, but I’m too tired to control my volume. They got in between me and the water station and I couldn’t get around them. They’d seen their granddaughter or someone already so they were just strolling. The volunteer offered them water before me. When they turned it down with a, “Oh, we’re not part of the race.” I said, “Then get OFF the course!” I meant to say it under my breath. Oops.

I’ve been listening to my iPod, but I switch to a new song list that walks a short song and runs’s three fast ones that equal 10 minute stretches. Every four songs should cover a mile. This will get me to the end. I’m starting to realize that I will finish this.

Mile 23: I’m actually going to finish. Keep running, three songs on, walk one song. Three miles to go. Another freaking band playing bad marathon music. It’s slow blue grass. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” What are they thinking?! At least some of the 30 odd bands were decent.

Mile 24: Smile at the course guide directing runners with a rubber chicken and a bird call.

Mile 25: 1.2 is nothing. Keep one foot in front of the other. Run three, walk one song.



Mile 26: I can see the finish line and decide to sprint. I cannot believe that I’m capable of anything like a sprint and realize that it’s all in my head. I’m running at least, not walking. What feels like a sprint to me, looks like a jog.

26.2: I hear the announcer say my name and that I am a first time finisher. Someone hands me a medal and a space blanket. The blanket is weird and I shed it right away. I see Apt Life friends and borrow someone’s phone to call my mom. Amazingly, my feet to not hurt, nor do I remember them hurting at all during my run. Good shoes and socks make that big a difference!

Finished!

Dallas White Rock Full Marathon

Time: 5.53.43

Pace: 13.29

December 15, 2008:

I have surprisingly little muscle pain, but my knees will definitely need several weeks to recover. I think it was the hills that did them in, not the distance. The flight home was okay. I’ve glad this is over, but the jury is still out on whether or not I’ll do it again. I’m looking forward to cheering John in his marathon in January.
I’ve learned that my personality needs a goal to motivate me toward fitness. I’m competitive, but I like the aspect of running that is competing with myself instead of others. I’ve learned a lot about the sport of running; what to do, what not to do, what to eat, etc… Even if I do not run another full marathon, I am ready to embrace this new aspect of my identity: a life-long runner. Speed work now and then smaller races here I come!

Leading up to a marathon

April 2008
My pants are tight. My post-baby “fat” pants, my largest pair, are too tight. I AM NOT going to buy a new wardrobe. I know the shotgun approach to fitness does not work for me. I haven’t actually worked out since before Joel was born in 2005. What to do??? I bought new pants, but only two pair.

May 2008
My friends at co-workers have returned from Apartment Life’s annual staff retreat. I wasn’t able to attend. They are all excited about running a marathon. Apparently this was some sort of challenge during the retreat, to increase your PQ (physical quotient) along with your SQ (spiritual quotient). They want me to run too. I told them I need a week to think about it.

June 3, 2008
I’ve been thinking about the marathon challenge. I subscribed to Runner’s World magazine and talked to a friend at church who is a tri-athlete. I mentioned my plans to my doctor today and he looked at me like I was crazy. “That’s one way to get in shape, but I’ll never run a marathon.” “Why,” I ask? He tells me it sounds like too much work to him. “Is it dangerous?” I have to ask. “As long as you are not pregnant, and you train well, you should be okay.”

That’s it. I have a competitive spirit. Too much work, huh? Watch me! Oh, so you all are going to run a marathon together? Okay, I can run too!

June 5, 2008
I took the kids to the gym today and ran on the treadmill. After a little reading I decided that the treadmill was the place for me to start. I can monitor my time and distance to get an idea of how I’m running now. I’ll need to set goals. To my surprise, it was very difficult to run for even two minutes. Two Minutes! I knew that I was in bad shape, but really, two minutes? Oh, well. My plan is to run two minutes, walk to minutes repeating until I’m tired. Next week, I’ll run three minutes, walk two minutes.

July 2008
Run ten minutes, walk two minutes! I’m up to a five mile run! I stop counting minutes and start counting miles. Yeah!

August 2008
I’ve been pregnant and now I’m miscarrying. I haven’t run in weeks. I’m tossing in the towel. There is no way I can train for a marathon in less than 4 months. Maybe next year.

Sept 2008
They talked me into sticking it out. The miles came back faster than I thought. I’m up to ten mile runs by October 1st. My parent’s bought me a double jogging stroller for my birthday. Nice. It’s hard work, but nice to run away from the treadmill.

Nov 2008
My first 20 mile run. It hurt so bad! Thank God for all the helpful info I’ve learned from Runner’s World and other experienced runners in my circles of friends and co-workers. I have one more 20 miler in my training schedule before the race on Dec. 14th.

December 13, 2008
Arrived in Dallas with my mother today. Emily Alexander is hosting us and she is wonderful! The expo was interesting. So many real runners! I feel like a pretender. At the same time, it was a little surreal to pick up my packet, to see the race bib with my name on it. I signed members of my family up to receive text messages of my progress during the race. We have timing tags to wear on our shoes that send the info.

Dinner with the Apt Life staff was nice. Again, many new faces, but everyone is wonderful and encouraging. Here we go!

Measure of Friendship

A friend will ride her bike next to you for a twenty mile run. She'll give up half her Saturday for this form of boredom. Thank you, Julia.

A Few Weeks, A Few Shards

I had the unique experience of having marble-sized hail begin to pound my car in sunny, 86 degree weather a few weeks ago. At first I was very confused, and so was the guy in the open convertible next to me. Incredible.

Me: Thanks for going to the grocery store with me, Joel.
Joel: Sure, I'll always take care of you, Momma.
Pause while I smile and he thinks...
Joel: Nah! I'm to little to take care of you!
Chuckles and Giggles :)
Me: You take care of my heart by loving me and being you, Joel!
Joel with a note of awe: I do love you, don't I!

The most encouraging experiences when running with my new jogging stroller are the dropped jaws in passing cars. That and "Momma, run faster! Daddy runs faster! Momma, don't stop! Daddy runs longer!" John and I are both training for different marathons and today I think we're crazy.

So, I'm finally reading True Faced and really like it. I had lunch recently with one of the authors and learned that there is a connection between The Shack and True Faced. So... if you liked one, you should read the other. ;)

I hate saying goodbye to friends moving away. It is really horrible. Most of my friends have moved to other states in the last few years and now I'm in a stage of life when it's difficult to make new friends due to time limitations imposed by children. That, and other friends talk often about their travels to visit other friends... that's hard because our travel budget is non-existent. Even when it is existent in small amounts, we have family out-of-state too.

I became an aunt again this week! John's sister and brother-in-law gave birth to Nolan, and I think he is beautiful!

I hate medical professionals who don't listen well and talk down to me. Um, hello! I'm not the child here, my son is. Look at me, listen, and then respond in a normal voice and vocabulary please. I respect your knowledge in your field, please respect my equal intelligence.

Enough "Shards" for tonight. Thanks for taking the time for my brain-pickings!

2 Minutes in My Day

Crap, I forgot to move the sprinkler and now I've watered the street as well as my yard! It is freakin irritating when someone spits their gum on the ground. I bet the kind of person who does that is also the kind of person who would get REALLY mad when they step in it too. They're too stupid to even realize the conflict there. "Joel, please don't hit Micah with your drum stick." Dang, I've been meaning to clean up that smear of toothpaste in the hall for over a month. Oh, well. We're late. No time now. Where are my keys. "Micah, don't eat off the floor. Here is your milk. Yuck, that was last night's dinner! Yes, Joel. I'm sorry I called it a drum stick. It's a magic wand today." I COULD NOT handle another baby! Where are my keys? Ah, not my keys, but almost as important... my phone is ringing somewhere. Of course my phone is in the bathroom. Where else can I talk without obnoxious background noise. That's kind of funny if you think about it, but don't think about it. "Hello, this is Christy. (pause) Yes I did receive your application. Your spouse needs to apply before you can move to the next step of the process. Did you receive my email explaining everything? Okay, I'll call you within 48 hours of both applications submitted then. Have a good day." I don't have time for unnecessary questions mister. Breathe. It's too quiet in the house... "Joel, DO NOT take your shoes off. We are leaving. Now! Where is Micah? Micah, No no no no no. Climbing in the shelves is dangerous, sweetheart. Everybody ready? Check keys, purse, phone, diaper and wipe stash, distraction toys, fully clothed children with shoes still on. Go. Out the door. Now! Go, go, go, go, go! Yes, happy feet! I love you guys!" I think I want to have another baby. Keys! Where are my keys? Right in the middle of the kitchen counter. How did I miss them before? Hey, who wants to sing the ABC's in underwater accent?!

Things I Love

Not listed in a particular order...

Things I Love:
1) The smell of oak trees, especially after rain
2) Baby feet
3) Newborn baby smell
4) Potato soup & rare steak
5) Pretty tableware
6) A good book, usually fiction
7) Old hymnals & music books
8) Hard flooring
9) The sun on my face
10) Rosemary, Lavendar, & Peppermint (not together)

Things I love to do:
1) Swim
2) Sing
3) Camp
4) Read
5) Run
6) Create
7) Play with my boys
8) Sleep
9) Visit
10) Finish

Things I Want :) HaHa & Hint Hint
Jogging stroller
New clothes
Clean bathroom
Minivan - never thought I'd say that
A heart-rate monitor
Babysitting
More time in the day
Patience :) I'm taking a lesson right now. I'll tell you about it when it's over.

At Once Complicated, Beautiful, and Ugly

The Sunday prior to the 4th of July, I had to work at a church other than the one I usually attend these days. As I was working, I did not get to hear all of any service, but a very dear friend was preaching. I did hear part of the worship and I was more than bothered at the strong patriotism in the songs and in the prayers. When asked by a colleague why I was so bothered, I could not put my finger on or clearly articulate my thoughts.

Fast forward to the evening of the 4th of July.

My family, immediate and extended, attended the D-Back's game together. We had a great time. It was Joel's first time at the ballpark and his first fireworks show. He was mesmerized by both. As I held him in my lap and enjoyed the patriotic music playing, I realized that many of the songs had been played in that church the previous week and like a light bulb I realized why I had been so bothered. Webster defines patriotism with few words, "love for or devotion to one's country." With that definition in mind, patriotic songs are in essence worship music for a country. In church, the only entity to be worshiped is God.

I believe that it is very appropriate to thank God for the blessings we live in, and I enjoy patriotic music. The USA has done some pretty wonderful things. We stood up for different oppressed peoples in many various countries and wars, sustaining compassionate humanitarian organizations global and local, welcoming refugees into our communities. We have managed to protect the freedoms cherished by our Founding Fathers, many of whom were not Christians, contrary to popular belief. We've also done some pretty awful things. We allowed the KKK to practice their bigotry, taking the law into their own hands. We have mistakenly and intentionally bombed civilians when at war. We have violated the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, and allowed Minute Men to take the law into their own hands. We have mistreated POWs and refused aid to countries experiencing genocide. It would be unreasonable to think we could help everyone, or always act perfectly right. It's just nice to have a balanced view of our country's history and current circumstance. Like a person, it's complicated, beautiful, and ugly all at the same time. God, on the other hand, IS perfect and worthy of worship.

I do not want to live any where other than the USA. I would call myself patriotic, just not during church. I support out troops, prayerfully and financially, because they are living a sacrificial lifestyle for my benefit and the benefit of others (by financially, I mean in addition to required taxes). I respect the men and women of the military and are thankful for their sacrifices. I think that I oppose the war in Iraq even though I do not fully understand all the politics and media surrounding it.

Over and over again, I hear the words, "God bless America," and "America has turned her back on God, prohibiting prayer in school, removing scriptures or phrases from national icons, condoning homosexual lifestyles and teenage pregnancy, Hollywood." If this country was founded on Christian principles, the way many so passionately claim, then we should be praying for our enemy. "God bless Iraq." I guess that prayer was not allowed in school when I was a kid, but prayer is a matter of my heart and God's spirit, not something at all governed by others, ever. Prayer is only disallowed in school if you choose to stop your heart.

I sense that I am beginning to ramble on tangents. My purpose in writing tonight is to make the point that Independence Day is a political holiday, not a religious holiday. Patriotism in church reveals our arrogance as a nation, implies a lesser claim on Christ's love by Christians in other countries, and weakens the spiritual encounter at hand like a golden calf. It is one thing to be thankful to God for our political circumstance, but quite another to blatantly worship a political institution in God's own house.

Book Recommendation

I recently read The Shack, by William Young.

I strongly recommend, but not for the weak-hearted. If you begin and question the recommendation, just press on and finish.

That is all I'm going to say.

It's not long. Just go read it yourself.

Beyond Disgusting

This is so gross that I debated whether or not to even share with you. If you are sensitive to disgusting stories at all, then please stop now. I will not be responsible for your vomiting...

Micah had the runs today. He pooped during dinner. I was in the other room and heard it. John wasn't home. When I went to pick him up less than a minute after the last sound, I noticed that his diaper had leaked, but not out the side and bottom like a normal diaper. No, his was spilling up and out the top and side and it was puddling in his chair. What I did NOT notice was him grab a fist full of his poopy waistline. I didn't notice until he smeared his diarrhea on my face!!!

In my three short years of motherhood, I have been pooped, peed and spit on. They have burped and spit up right into my mouth. I have dealt with mud and blood and messy meals. Or snacks that shouldn't have been snacks; like the time that Micah ate a cricket. Flooded toilets, clogged drains, and unidentifiable moldy things. I thought a month-old sippy cup of milk was bad. NOTHING compares to diarrhea on your face. Oh, the stench...! Gag me with a sewer brush! I am unashamed by this blatant plea for sympathy. I will accept flowers or contributions toward the cost of a facial.

Expounding on a Few Slivers

A few asked for more thoughts on some of the "Slivers" posted a few weeks back. I have decided to accommodate.

I recently discovered a new author I really enjoy, Jodi Picoult. I have read several of her books and would recommend any of them, but in this post I will focus on "My Sister's Keeper". (It bothers me that I can't figure out how to underline the title.)

The primary question raised by Picoult in "My Sister's Keeper" is the ethical status research. She places the debate into the minds and hearts of child characters, two sisters. Do the benefits of stem cell research outweigh the downsides, or the other way around? Without giving too much away, I can tell you that one sister was conceived invitro for the specific purpose of donating cord blood to her perfectly genetically matched sister who suffers leukemia. What is the unpredictable fallout from such a situation? If good ethics support justice, how can justice possibly be served for both sisters?

I am, admittedly, uninformed on the stem cell research debate. My initial reaction is that it errors too close to playing God, whatever that means and as if that is possible. I understand that the benefits of research in this field are noble in that every advancement relieves pain and suffering. I do not believe that I give to much away by saying that Picoult leaves the debate open, a wise choice that does not alienate either party. Her book simply raises many questions and creates empathy in the reader for both sides. Her characters are well rounded, full of love, hate, self serving habits, history, and conflict.

A tangent thought as I read this book through the lens of my own parenting experience was how difficult it is to watch our children suffer. The parent of a cancer child suffers unimaginable pain vicariously through every needle, pill, test or procedure. My experiences with Micah have been minuscule compared to what is described in this book. And yet our heavenly father watches us suffer, and suffers with us, without numbing our nerves to the pain. He desires that we feel no pain, yet he loves when we draw near to him through it.

Now I will quickly change the subject to something more light-hearted. Out little flood in the house a few months back provoked a domino line of home projects. One of those involved moving Micah into a twin bed and creating a bedroom for the boys to share. I still have some work to do in this room because I think the walls are too stark white, but here are the pictures. I'm sewing pillows that look like rocks to put on the ground around the tree. I'm also looking for a "tree stump" stool / chair. I'm open to any creative suggestions in the jungle theme. I built a tree in my house and I'm very proud. The pictures don't show the dimension very well... it's not really that dinky... and now I'm sounding insecure despite my claim of pride. Oh, well.

Joy

Of the first rate: "I love you, Momma," with slobbery kisses.

Of the second rate: Fresh brewed coffee in a girly Starbucks mug and a Saturday morning with the house to myself.

*Note: None of the above is possible without a fabulous husband! He loves me well and I love him. That is joy.

I Stand Corrected

Joel: Momma, why are we taking a bath right now?

Me: I'm tired and don't feel well and I thought you and Micah would like to play in the bubbles for a while. Momma is going to rest and watch you play in the bathtub.

Micah pours a large cup of water out of the bath, down the side and under the changing table.

Me: AaarrrGh!!! Micah!

Joel: Momma, it makes me sad when you talk that way. I know that you are sick, but I don't like for you to yell at Micah. I think we need to get out now. Maybe we can read a book and calm down.

I stand corrected.
*********************************
Joel: Momma, you need to put your shoes on before you take me to Thursday school.

Me: I am. Right now. (I'm putting lotion on my feet before I put on socks and tennis shoes)

Joel: What is that stuff? You need to get that off your feet!

Me: It's lotion. It's okay.

Joel: It will ruin your socks!!! Oh, NO! (He's practically dancing in anxiety for my socks.)

Me: It's really okay, Joel. My socks will keep the lotion from getting in my shoes and on the floor. It will make my feet soft.

Joel: Momma, it's not okay to ruin your socks. It will make it all mucky and God doesn't like that. You need to take care of your things because God doesn't like your lotion. He doesn't.

I stand corrected.
****************************
Joel: Can we wake Micah up from his nap now?

Me: No, please don't wake him up, Joel.

Joel: I want him to play with me.

Me: He can play later. Is there a game you can play by yourself while I finish the dishes?

He runs off.... maybe five minutes go by.

Joel: I need you to get the animals down please. (I reach a higher toy self and give him a set of Noah's Ark animals.)

Joel: Oooo.... Yeah.... Oooo...WOOO Hoo!!!

On my way back to the kitchen, I follow him to the living room where he gets right down to play with the animals. I have maybe 5 more dishes.

A few minutes later I see that he has lined the anmials up in a semi-circle in front of him. He's fanning his legs and just barely missing the animals while he talks to them. "Do you want to play a game with me?" ... "Come on, lets play a game." ... ... "Please, play a game with me."

His final words before I burst into laughter were spoken in a demanding, slightly mob-like threatening voice with considerable bass for a two-year-old, "We will play a game now. I will knock you down." He proceeded to wreak havoc and distruction amongst his nice lineup of animals. In the course of the morning he also took certain animals to the doctor and then put all of them in a "cave" to sleep and recover from his "game".

Maybe you are not laughing right now. Maybe you had to be there. In truth, this was hilarious!

Discount Tire

I love Discount Tire. New tires are always expensive, but I've never felt like Discount took advantage of me. Today I stopped there just becuase I wanted my tire pressures checked. One tire had a little uneven spot that I was concerned about, but none of them looked low. The guy patiently explained that the uneven spot was not concerning, but he would check everything. They checked, found one small nail in the tread on a tire, but not puctured though. Balanced everything and sent me on my way safely with NO CHARGE!!! I hadn't even bought the tires there. That is the way to earn customer loyalty. Keep'em safe for free, only charge if there is a larger problem.

On another subject, we have a family victory/milestone... Micah is sleeping in a twin bed! Yeah!!! I'm getting rid of the crib this weekend!!! WooHoo!!!

Slivers

Yikes - two months... sorry folks. At least once a day I have a thought that spurs another, "Ooo, that would make a good blog." Several times I have actually started to type and been interupted by toddlers. They are so dang cute! Much cuter than a computer screen that I stare at for a large portion of my day anyhow.

So, two months worth of shards of thought, in brief:

Home repairs are disruptive, but productive. It's looking nice.

The TV show Friends depicts a community of grace in many ways.

Jodi Picoult is a good author. I just discovered her.

I am ambivalent toward stem cell research, but it's interesting to think and debate.

When everything in your life seems to suck, at least someone elses sucks more... maybe that's not a good thing.

Life looks a lot different when you are staring at death. How would I prepare for my own death? Have I already in some ways?

Is chicken sausage good in spaghetti sauce?

Parent Rivalry - is this real or just what our toddlers want us to think?

Behaviorism - what is useful in parenting and what is not?

I built a tree in my house and I'm very proud.

I'm claiming sanctuary in my childhood bedroom for an office and creative space. John and I are fine.

Is it necessary to eliminating self-medicating behaviors, but just manage and balance them? Do they replace reliance on God or are they a relief gift from him to be grateful for in moderation?

Micah's first words are "Tickle, Tickle!"

I visit my Dad's farm in Colorado... could easily be 7 blogs here.

I saw horses breeding. Yuck. and fascinating.

My boys are playing peek-a-boo right now through a clear plastic shower curtain. That right, I'm blogging during their bathtime. Responsible parent that I am! :)

I found the perfect response for people who tell me to get a dog. The conversation goes like this:
"But if you have a dog, it will eat all the food the boys drop and you won't have to clean the floor."
"But if I have a dog, I will have to clean all the dog hair up off of the kitchen floor... and the rest of the house."

I don't have the courage, or something, to cut off friends even when they are not good friends.

I want to have more children... I don't want to have more children.

Should we adopt a drug baby?

I miss the Ellgens.

I miss Anna. and Sarah. and Katie. and Kim.

I forgot to wonder why we hadn't received results on Micah's chromosome analysis. It's becuase our insurance is causing problems saying they won't cover it. What the heck!??

The damages total to the floors was $11,686.54 We saved some becuase I did all the drywall and baseboard repairs myself. Again I'm proud of myself. We also only replaced a portion of the flooring and choose to have a line in the hall. Then we found out we need to replace both air conditioning units on the house. Oh, well... homeownership. At least it's not the middle of an AZ summer!!!

The boys need me so...

When it rains, it pours.

When it rains, it pours
I spent the better part of Saturday fixing a leaking compression fitting on a toilet in our 23 year old home. 23 Years is not that old if you ask me, and our house is nice. I often consider it a blessing. Not today. It felt good to have everything fixed and working after this weekend.
First John worked really hard cleaning a very dirty kitchen. He got down to three pots before he had to leave for work. As I was later finishing those three pots, I looked down to see my sons both pushing all the buttons on the dishwasher. I was going to run it when I finished the pots. Now it won't start. Great.
I leave for a meeting for the better part of the day. I arrive home around 5 and don't immediately notice water in our hallway. Joel found it. "Mom! Watch me slide in the water in the hall!" I throw down some towels, turn off the water to the hall toilet that aparently overflowed and then go to the master closet to look for my cell phone. I'm thinking to call the babysitter who was here to see if she knows if it's a toy in the toilet or something less pleasant but easier to fix. Wait - there is water in the closet... water in the bedroom... under all the furniture... the bedskirt is soaked! What the?! The hall toilet had apparently run all day very slowly and the sitter didn't notice. I believe her. She's only 14, but she's very good with the boys and I don't leave her for a full day very often. Her parents and my mom are close if there was an emergency. It took me several hours and every towel and blanket in the house, plus a few from my mom's, to soak it all up. Most of the furniture had to be moved, some on there side so that legs could dry. When we walked on it there was still a squishy noise and water seaping up from between the hard laminate slats. I call our homeowners insurance. An hour later there is a big friendly looking guy at my door with fans, dihumidifiers, and demo tools. Two hours later my beatuiful floor is no more, hall, master bedroom, and closet. This is too fast for me to digest. I think we might loose the bathroom vanity cabinets too. The man estimates an easy $12,000 damages, but he's not the adjuster. We'll see. It's after 10:30 and he's still tearing up floor.
When it rains, it pours.

On Hippocracy, Authenticity, Sin and Performance

I was asked this week to share a note of encouragement with the CARES Teams. This is one of the great things about my work! I had actually already written this letter and not sent it, but now I will share with you too. I may have become a little carried away and let it go too long, but I think it's worth the read. I'm going to post it as it was written; a letter to CARES Teams or anyone giving their life away for Christ.

Hello CARES Teams!

There are two things recently that have coincided in my mind and become heavy on my heart. Please bare with me and I hope it will be worth the read.

I read an article in Spiritualily & Health magazing recently. The magazine is a pretty generic, feel good, publication about spiritual health issues. In this particular article, Rabi Rami Shapiro, explored the human condition as seen by various religious sectors from Buddism to Christianity. His sumation of Christianity was interesing to me. “Broadly speaking, Christianity’s diagnosis of the human condition is that of inherent sinfulness rooted in the idea of original sin taught by Saint Augustine (354-430). Humans are born in sin, and destined for damnation. Only faith in the saving nature of Christ’s death and resurrection can cure you of sin, and save you from its consequences.” (Spirituality & Heath, Jan Feb 2008, pg 14)

If we assume that Rabi Shapiro’s understanding of the Christian faith alligns with many people (for example your neighbors in the apartments), then this is alarming! On the surface, his statement is accurate. We are born into a fallen world and inherit a sinful nature. All who are not saved by grace, through faith in Jesus Christ, are destined to eternity in hell. However, Christ’s death does not cure us of sin! No wonder the world looks at us and see’s a bunch of hippocrits! Christ’s death is a covering, a substitute for the consequence of sin - death. As human’s we cannot conquer sin, therefore it is necessary for God to look at us through the filter of his perfect son. In spite of my sin, he sees me as holy because I am “a new creation in Christ” 2nd Corinthians 5:17. In Rabi Shapiro’s world, we Christians should all be walking around perfectly sinless, never hurting one another, intentionally or otherwise, and never slipping up. We would be cured of sin! If we are still sinful (which we all know we are), then we must not have enough faith, faith at all, or we must be pretenders. This is not to say that God will not ultimately cure sin when Christ returns and/or we enter eternity in heaven. He can and will cure this world of it’s brokenness.

Someone recently pointed out that being a CARES Team feels like being on stage all the time. This line of thought could create a fear of slipping up. “My neighbors are watching, the staff is watching. I must not sin. I must be a good witness.” In my mind, this thinking falls in with Rabi Shapiro. A person would feel like they must live rightly, without sinning, in order to prove the validity of their faith, to not be a pretender.

If this is how you feel, I am sorry.

Living your life in Christ, living as a witness to his saving grace, is about authenticity.

Romans 5:8 states “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” NIV

If you are feeling this sort of pressure as a CARES Team, please consider this new line of thought. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While we were still sinners… think on that. He loved us that much before we accepted Christ. He cannot love us more than that. Eradicating sin from your life or being a good witness cannot make him love you more. Practicing spiritual disciplines cannot make him love you more. It is true that CARES places you on a sort of stage where your neighbors and staff are your audience. Your witness as a CARES Team then should be this, “I am a sinner. I am broken and lost. God the father loves me even so. Christ died for me even so. I am a real person, just like you, my neighbor. I do not pretend to get it right all the time, but I want to honor my Lord and Savior, therefore I serve him as a CARES Team, husband, wife, father, mother, church volunteer, worship leader, etc… therefore I practice spiritual disciplines and fight sin with humilty, not pressure or pretense.”

There is freedom in living a life this transparent. Sin will be much more easily tackled when out in the open. You community will be one of authenticity where deep relationships flow naturally. You will not feel any pressure to please God or people, but simply claim the free gift of forgiveness and salvation. You will not dwell in shame. You will not fear the “stage”. You will experience grace and you will show grace.

You may think these are elementary concepts to our faith, but they are essential and it can never hurt to revisit them, especially when we are wanting to share them with our neighbors. I want to encourage you that you are a blessing to Apartment Life and to your communities. You ARE a good witness and testimony of Christ’s love for mankind. Press on!!!

One more thing... I am broken and often lost. I do not claim to know anymore about these things than you. I sin against people I love. I hurt my family and friends with my sin. I may have hurt you. I am a real person, pressing on in a broken world. I believe fully in the redemptive power of Christ’s death. I claim love from God, my Father. I claim perfect righteousness in Him, as his child. I want to serve Him and honor Him in gratitude for my life. He has forgiven me for things I still find difficult to forgive myself. It is my heart’s desire to grow in my faith continually, to sin less and less until the day I die when it will be conquored in me and I enter paradise. I will not fear the stage!

Philosphical, for a Two-year-old...

Joel asks, "Momma, how does poop come out? Do you take your poop out?" Now how am I supposed to answer that? No, a person does not take their poop out, but neither do I want to teach him to push too hard. It was entirely random when he asked. We were playing with letters on the fridge. Philosophical questions from a two year old! Boy am I in for it! Suggestions anybody?

Deterioration of Etiquette

It has been some time that various acquaintance have urged me to blog. I have resisted with the usual platitudes of a busy work-from-home mom. I marvel at the phenomenon occurrence when millions of average people post their thoughts and actually gain readership. I cannot fathom that anyone would care what I have to say, or that all these bloggers believe their thoughts are original or unique. Having made my excuses, I will now embark on the topic that lead me to post thoughts to the world at large in the first place. In this century there has been a very gradual deterioration of etiquette. As each generation carelessly tosses aside one or two rules of acceptable public behavior, the result is a society of people who conduct themselves in ways that are thoughtless of those around them.

I have a strong value of etiquette. That my own behavior is always in accordance with good etiquette, I will not guarantee, but none-the-less I value the knowledge of proper behavior because it often aligns with considerate behavior. My husband tells me that my passion in this area is sometimes unrealistic or not well reasoned. I will admit that though I object to breaches of etiquette in certain areas, they are not really of great importance. Wearing hats indoors, for instance, is something technically incorrect, but of relatively little importance and often unnoticed accept in very formal settings.

I recently attended a ballet with my mother. She was given two tickets to the Nutcracker at the Dodge Theater in Phoenix, AZ. To put it mildly, I was appalled at the behavior, both of the theater staff and the theater goers. If you are unsure of how to behave when you attend an artistic performance, let me now enlighten you. Arrogant, I know, but bare with me please.

Arrive on time. Traditionally, a theater attendant would not seat late-comers until a proper opportunity between numbers or acts. At the Nutcracker there were many late-comers. This is rude, disrespectful to the performers. The Dodge Theater allowed these people to be seated whenever they arrived. I cannot count how many times I missed a move or a sound because some late-comer's nether-regions invaded my line of vision or whispered in my ear a request to move. Etiquette rule #1: Arrive on time. If you are unable to avoid lateness, wait until between songs or acts to be seated.

Eating and drinking during a performance is appropriate for movie theaters and rock concerts. Eating and drinking is not appropriate for the ballet, orchestra, live theater, opera, etc... I was shocked that The Dodge Theater sold food and drink for the Nutcracker. I was further appalled at all the munching and slurping I was subjected to. It certainly distracted me from a thorough enjoyment of the music and dance. Tchaikovsky, I am certain, did not intend that his music be accompanied by chomps and crunching popcorn when he composed such drastic disparities of emotion, culture, sight, and sound. I confidently claim that he intended the listener to be touched by such intricate nuances of sound and instrumentation as would move the audience to reverence. Chomping is irreverent. Etiquette rule #2: Do not eat during live performances, or at the very least, eat quietly.

Clapping is to be done between sets or acts. It is not necessary to clap at every pause. The performer's actually do not appreciate it as it causes them to have difficulty hearing their next cue. If you are unsure of when to clap, then follow the progress of the performance in your playbill and only clap between acts or when the performers specifically request audience interaction. If you are at all unsure about appropriate clapping, then do not insist on being the leader in audience response. Etiquette rule # 3: Clap only between acts, sets, or at the end of a performance.

Talking during the performance. I cannot believe this should even need to be said. Shut your trap! Etiquette rule # 4: DO NOT TALK during a performance!!!

Turn off your cell phones. The others can hear it vibrate too. Turn it off. The performer's and composer's purpose is that you are engaged and entertained by the performance. If you do not want to be engaged and entertained, then don't attend. There is no communication from your cell phone that could be so urgent that it is more important that everyone else in the theater. If you expect that kind of news, you shouldn't be in the theater, but rather at home waiting for the big news. Do not send or receive text messages either. The light is disruptive. Etiquette rule #5: Turn your cell phone or similar communication device completely OFF!

As a mother, I appreciate the value of exposing our children to cultural experiences like the ballet. Most theater's have matinee performances that would be better for your children. When they are old enough, I intend to take my children to high school performances of theater, music, and dance so that they will learn theater etiquette before I unleash them on the world at large. If your children need a quick lesson during a performance, politely excuse yourself and hold that conversation in the lobby. Etiquette rule #6: Leave your kids at home unless you know that they know how to behave.

I am sure there is more to be said on this topic, but I will now leave my soapbox. Maybe life will afford me another opportunity to expostulate on good etiquette. If you have read this far, I thank you for your patience with my ranting and promise my next blog will reflect a greater satisfaction with the world.